<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>the midnight train by fraldarian</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28229601">the midnight train</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fraldarian/pseuds/fraldarian'>fraldarian</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Borderline Personality Disorder, Character Study, Child Abuse, Dissociation, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Sexual Content</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 16:13:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,019</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28229601</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fraldarian/pseuds/fraldarian</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sylvain is five feet and two inches on a normal day. Some days he is ten feet and five inches in a well below the earth, and other days he is three feet and nine inches in the air, projected to land directly in the frozen pond located at the back of the Gautier estate.</p>
<p>Sylvain has ten fingers and ten toes and twenty teeth and a half molar that he likes to poke. He can count to one hundred thousand and he can multiply. He knows how many steps it takes to get from his room to the cupboard underneath the stairs, and he knows how to measure the time it takes for Miklan to realize he is not in bed.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>84</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the midnight train</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this was a character study for sylvain based on the idea that he has borderline personality disorder. as always, please take care of the things you read and be mindful of the tags. feel free to follow me on twitter @fraldarian</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Sylvain is eight years and seven months and ten days old, and he prides himself on his age. He is one year and eight months and fifteen days older than Felix, and he is three years and four months and twenty days away from being Glenn’s age. He counts this because Glenn can do long division, and he can read long chapter books, and most importantly Glenn is good at dealing with Felix’s bullies. In three years and four months and twenty days, Sylvain thinks he too will be able to master these things.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain is five feet and two inches on a normal day. Some days he is ten feet and five inches in a well below the earth, and other days he is three feet and nine inches in the air, projected to land directly in the frozen pond located at the back of the Gautier estate.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain has ten fingers and ten toes and twenty teeth and a half molar that he likes to poke. He can count to one hundred thousand and he can multiply. He knows how many steps it takes to get from his room to the cupboard underneath the stairs, and he knows how to measure the time it takes for Miklan to realize he is not in bed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Miklan has four friends, and that upsets Sylvain, because Sylvain only has three. He would count Glenn, but Glenn is eleven, and Miklan is thirteen, and that means anything Miklan says is law. Miklan thinks Glenn is annoying, and overbearing, and he tells Sylvain that Glenn shouldn’t stick his nose where it doesn’t belong. When Sylvain tries to argue otherwise, he shows up a week later at the Fraldarius household holding his arm and wincing when Felix hugs him too tight.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain is eighteen and he is a timebomb. He is the raging sea and he is bruised knuckles. He is the dark pit of envy and he is a tight-lipped smile. He is a wasp that stings and he is an explosion of dynamite. He fistfights in the streets that make up his dreams and imagines knocking heads with a brother now in jail. He is the loneliness that comes with abandonment, and he is the numbness of an innocence that never was.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix is sixteen and he is like the forest wind at night. He is here, and there, and everywhere that is Sylvain’s mind. He is bad at arithmetic and cannot tell the difference between they’re, there, and their. His hair is cut at the shoulders with the pocketknife of a brother now dead. He is a winter’s cold snap and he is the summer’s golden rays.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Annette is fifteen and she is a sophomore. She is kind and she is brave and she is Felix’s first girlfriend. Felix kisses her at exactly nine AM every morning before she heads to theatre class. Sylvain counts the number of days she has been with Felix, and so far it has been two months and three days.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dimitri is one of Felix’s best friends. He is Sylvain’s best friend too. Dimitri is soft spoken and troubled and has issues with naming what he wants. He is smart and he is athletic and he has stolen Sylvain’s spotlight from being the quarterback for the upperclassmen. Dimitri is like a mother’s lullaby that Sylvain never got the chance to hear, and he is a flower that blooms in the middle of ruin and decay.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jealousy is the name of Sylvain’s most inner feelings. He is jealous of Annette and he is jealous of the way Felix kisses her. Sylvain is not gay, does not think he can be gay, because he spent last night buried inside a girl. His hands go numb at the recollection, but he knows it happened nonetheless. He does not think a best friend should be jealous about his own best friend’s girlfriend.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Resentment is the name of what he feels when he sees Dimitri. Resentment because Felix treats Dimitri more kindly than he treats Sylvain. Resentment because despite the three of them being best friends, Sylvain feels as if Felix will choose Dimitri over him any day. And Sylvain knows this because the voice in his brain tells him such. They are better friends, closer friends, than Sylvain and Felix will ever be. The terrifying fear of abandonment plays tennis inside him each day, and his guts are the court’s netting.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Manipulative is the name of what Sylvain feels he is.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Manipulative is what Sylvain </span>
  <em>
    <span>knows </span>
  </em>
  <span>he is when he explodes in front of Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why do you spend so much time with her?” he asks Felix one day. He is sitting on the edge of his bed, and he is looking over his acceptances for colleges that are far away from here. He does not want to live in a town that holds such dark secrets.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix does not know what Sylvain means, because why would he? He cannot read Sylvain’s mind, even though Sylvain wishes he could. Perhaps then he would see the bright neon lights that scream </span>
  <em>
    <span>Help! I am terrified you will leave me.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Annette?” Felix asks instead, because he cannot see into Sylvain’s head, and he cannot hear the thoughts running through his head that play on repeat. They consist of </span>
  <em>
    <span>I love you I love you I love you</span>
  </em>
  <span> and </span>
  <em>
    <span>I hate you I hate you I hate you. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Guilt plays at Sylvain’s heart for wanting to drop everything and shun Felix here and now. He should not hate his friends.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain nods, and Felix says because Annette is his girlfriend.</span>
  <em>
    <span> Annette is his girlfriend Annette is his girlfriend Annette is his girlfriend </span>
  </em>
  <span>and he is </span>
  <em>
    <span>an unwanted mutt, a despicable whore </span>
  </em>
  <span>and a </span>
  <em>
    <span>person that does not deserve to live.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I’m your best friend,” Sylvain says. “And you don’t talk to me enough. You spend all your time talking about Annette and what you guys last did.” Sylvain’s face contorts into something ugly. He thinks it’s his true appearance. “And I feel like you and Dimitri get along better than we do. You talk to him all the time and seem to have more fun than when I’m around.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He is manipulative and he is desperate. He is terrified and he is upset. Sylvain knows what he is doing and wishes he could not. There is no reason to be jealous of Annette. There is no reason to feel this sour disliking towards Dimitri. Felix says he is his best friend. He is. He is. He is. He is not. His brain says he is not, so he is not. Dimitri is trying to sabotage their friendship. He knows it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What the fuck?” Felix says. Sylvain does not look at him. “Says you. I have to hear about the last bitch who sucked your cock. When was the last? Didn’t you say you let some girl you met at a party ride you last Sunday?” Felix’s words are ugly and brash and honest and truthful in every way possible. They rear their monstrous head and take a bite out of Sylvain’s heart. “And Dimitri is our best friend too. I treat him like I’d treat you if you weren’t so damn spindly.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain stands. “I love you.” It is all he can say. It is the first and the last and the only thing on his tongue. Maybe saying this will keep Felix from being even more angry.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He knows that is not the case. Of course he knows it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix does not answer. Sylvain can hear the blood roar in his ears.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Get out of my fucking house,” is what Felix finally hisses.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain catches the nightly train. He texts a girl and invites her over, and in the morning he is left numb and empty and unaware of the hickeys on his neck.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain is twenty-one and he is eight months into his new accounting firm. He is being threatened with dismissal for yelling at a client over the phone. Sylvain says he will keep his anger under check. He knows that is not true, even if he omits the fact that he has been trying to regulate his emotions for years now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He has a girlfriend that has brown eyes and black hair that is always tied back. Her name is Amy and Sylvain cannot remember her last name. Their relationship lasts five months, because she finds Sylvain too unstable. Too weepy. Too emotional. She says he is too easily riled, and that he is too much to deal with. She says she cannot handle someone who wants to die.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That night he does what he knows best and drinks until the world is basked in a pleasant haziness. He kisses a man for the first time because he wants to know what it feels like. He’s had more than one thought about men and boys in his life, though they always started with Felix and ended with Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And so what if he is not straight? A hole is a hole and Sylvain tries not to think about muscle and facial hair and penises and whatever else a man has. He does not focus on grunts and moans and a beard rash that makes itself present between his thighs the next day. Instead he focuses on how it takes him five whole days to call Felix and asks how he is, and it takes him five whole days before he asks him for coffee at the cafeteria underneath Felix’s apartment.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think I might be gay,” Sylvain discloses during their meet up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not stupid,” Felix says back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain looks away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix looks away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I meant what I said,” Sylvin tries again. “In high school. Before I left.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know you did.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span> Sylvain looks at him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix looks at him. “Annette figured out I was in love with you before I myself did. When she learned what happened, she asked what I thought of you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” Sylvain says to Felix, to the sky above. “For what I did.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You never came back for me. Even when you knew Annette and I weren’t together.” Felix shrugs. “I thought you moved on. So I said nothing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain knows this. Felix does not need to remind him. The regret lives in him like a festering wound. He wishes he’d done something. “And then I moved away,” he murmurs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And then you moved away.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain thinks he should go. This is not how their day should have gone. But instead he turns to Felix and reaches for his hand. Felix does not pull away. “I could try again,” Sylvain insists. “I could be here for you this time. Not like before. I’m not - I’m not going anywhere.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix says nothing, but he does not move away either. Instead he changes the hands that hold his cup of coffee, reaching down to entwine his fingers with Sylvain’s. Sylvain thinks his heart might burst. It probably already has. “How do you plan on doing that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain does not need to think. He knows what to do and what to say because he has played this scenario through his mind countless times. “I’m going to take you on a date, and I’m going to kiss you on the lips like I should have all those years ago.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix laughs, soft like the clouds passing by overhead. Sylvain wants to take it and record it and play it on a loop in his head. “I thought this </span>
  <em>
    <span>was </span>
  </em>
  <span>a date.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And that, more than anything else, makes Sylvain smile.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain is twenty-seven and he is in therapy. He takes four different medications and he has each one labelled on a weekly planner. He is happy and he is engaged and he has two cats that he calls Loog and Kyphon (courtesy of Felix). What he also has is this, a diagnosis, a treatment plan, and a group of friends to anchor him down.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have your results back,” the psychiatrist in front of him says. Her name is Byleth, and she is stone-faced in her deliverance. “I feel clear and sure enough in diagnosing you with Borderline Personality Disorder.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain nods. He says nothing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m going to prescribe you medication as requested. There is nothing currently approved by the Food and Drug Administration for treating cases of Borderline, but there are several medications that can help with anxiety and aggression.” She brings her reading glasses down to look at Sylvain. “Does that sound good to you, Sylvain? I need a yes or no.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain nods again. He remembers that he needs to speak. It’s hard to, when there’s this relief pulling him up like the basket of a hot air balloon. “That’s good. I - yes, I mean.” Sylvain looks at his hands. “I want that. Please.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His psychiatrist smiles. She writes a prescription out for him, tearing the paper and placing a folded piece into his outstretched palms. Sylvain starts to shake.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you alright?” she asks. It’s not said with the same kind of conviction that Felix conveys on Sylvain’s worst days, but the thought is still there.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not sure. I don’t know.” A laugh. “I’m just happy, I think. To know what’s wrong.” Another laugh, this time elated. “I know this won’t solve everything. But it feels good. To know I’m not abnormal. What I mean is - what I guess I’m trying to say - is thank you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Byleth smiles. She does not say ‘you’re welcome,’ and she does not say anything to acknowledge his words. Instead, she looks down at her booklet. “We’re going to start you on Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, or DBT for short. Do you know what that is, Sylvain?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Of course he doesn’t. Not really, at least. “No.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That must have been what Byleth was expecting. “DBT is an evidence-based approach to therapy and resolution. We focus on two core concepts: change and acceptance. We’ll be looking into helping you achieve mindfulness and emotional regulation, on top of interpersonal effectiveness. I’m going to help you teach yourself to voice what you need and how to say no. You mentioned having troubles with your fiancé in the past regarding that. Does this make sense so far?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain is still listening, but it’s hard to think past the wave of relief. There will be bad days, of course. Days where he locks himself away and days where he says nothing to Felix, and Felix will have to bring him food in bed. There will be days where Sylvain is bad with regulating his emotions, and there will be days where he thinks Felix will leave him for good.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>What he also knows though is that he will learn to be happy, because Sylvain is freckled cheeks and Sylvain is a smile so wide that it scrunches eyes. Sylvain is not a timebomb and Sylvain is not bruised knuckles and bloody noses. He is a warm hug and he is a newborn foal. He is the laughter that fills a shared bed and he is a soft voice that sings </span>
  <em>
    <span>I love you</span>
  </em>
  <span> in the early mornings. He is the smell of coffee and eggs and he is the wetness of a kiss pressed to the smiling lips of a lover.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In the end, Sylvain smiles, and he says this: “I think I understand pretty well, Byleth.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix is waiting for him in the car, and Felix is waiting for him outside the drugmart. Felix is waiting for him in their shared house and he is waiting for him in bed. Felix is not leaving and he is not mad. He is Sylvain’s best friend and first love and he is the moon and the stars and the orbiting planets. He is the one who kisses Sylvain when he is reminded of Miklan, and he is the one who helps him through his endeavours. Most of all though, Felix reminds Sylvain that even he can find love, and that illness does not matter.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How do you feel?” Felix asks him that night, and Sylvain pulls him closer. He threads fingers through his hair, kisses his bare shoulder, and traces the birthmark on the back of Felix’s neck.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Happy,” Sylvain says.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m happy too,” Felix whispers. “For you.” He pauses. “I was worried for you. I’ve always been worried for you. And I know there’s still a lot of work to be done. I know we’ll have to deal with this our entire lives. But I think for tonight ... it’s alright to take a break.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain smiles, and he swears that he himself lights up the entire room. He’s never thought of allowing himself to be deserving of happiness before. Not until now. “I think so too, Fe.” And then, a little more softly, “thank you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix’s answering kiss is more than enough. “Did you take your new medication? Are you feeling alright?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A laugh. “Yes, I took it. Did you not see the fridge? I put a checkmark on our planner.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mm. I was just checking.” Felix curls closer. “I know you forget sometimes.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix does this nightly, and Sylvain loves it. Because Felix cares and Felix is here and Felix wants what’s best for Sylvain. Felix shares his goals and cheers him on and never yells when Sylvain spirals. Felix is a beacon and Sylvain is a ship, and Sylvain is the captain that guides himself towards shore with Felix’s help. And when Felix himself is lost and astray, Sylvain will flash his lights and blow his horn and lift Felix onto the rocks with him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain is twenty-seven and takes five medications and writes them on a planner in the kitchen that he shares with Felix. Sylvain is twenty-seven and tomorrow he will go back to being an accountant and tallying numbers in his firm. But for now he is in bed and he is kissing the head of a cat. He is cracking open the window and he is feeling the breeze. He is holding his fiancé and he is saying these words:</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know, Felix. I know.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>